Business Opinion: This being St Patrick's Day we start an occasional series looking behind some of the more complex business issues that may have arisen recently.

We start with bank charges which were the subject of a report from the Irish Bankers Federation last week showing we are about halfway up the European rankings.

Halfway up the European rankings? That's not bad. One in the eye for all those consumer lobby groups, small business organisations, journalists and other whiners who go on about the banks, isn't it?

Absolutely, as long as your definition of Europe does not include France and Italy, home of 107 million Europeans and source of one third of European GNP. Not to mention the home of some of Europe's biggest banks - Credit Agricole and BNP Paribas to name but a few.

Were France and Italy not included in the survey?

Well it appears the IBF did write to some banks in France and Italy, but not enough bothered writing back.

Too busy providing their customers with cheap banking to get involved in dodgy surveys?

Perhaps

So this survey is not much use then?

I wouldn't say that.

What do you mean?

Well, now you know which European countries you should go and live in if you want cheap banking.

Which ones are they then?

Britain and Spain for current accounts, Finland and Austria for personal term loans and Sweden and Belgium for credit cards.

Well, I like Spain. I go there for my holidays. But I am not so sure about the other places . I hear that Finnish is a very difficult language to learn. Anyway, if they can have cheap banking in these countries why can't I have it here?

If you applied yourself you could probably be fluent at Finnish within a year. You would certainly have a working knowledge. More than enough for most banking transactions. You should also consider Sweden. Swedish is much easier to learn and the Swedes are not given to the same sort of moodiness as the Finns.

But, I want cheap banking in Ireland.

Look. If learning a foreign language is that big an issue for you, why don't you try the UK. Its a bit warmer in the winter as well.

You don't seem to understand. I am not interested in knowing how cheap banking is in these other countries. I want cheap banking here. You know the sort of thing. Interest on my current account and acceptable interest margins. I mean, if the banks can offer that sort of thing in these other countries without the entire systems grinding to a halt why can't we do it here?

I'm sorry. I don't really know what else you expect me to do for you. If England doesn't suit, try Austria. The mountains are nice and most Austrian bank staff have a passable knowledge of English.

All right. I get the message. But since I have you here do you mind if I ask about something else.

Not if you are going to adopt the same silly attitude.

I won't

Shoot.

Did that nice Dermot Ahern really say in an interview with you paper last Friday that the Government thinks selling Telecom Éireann was a mistake. Now that it's a private company (Eircom), it will not build the sort of phone network he wants and also plans to renege on its obligation to provide everybody who wants one with a phone line.

Erm... I think you will find the Communications Minister said he was cautious about selling off any other State assets such as the ESB or Bord Gáis because it becomes harder to implement policy through them once they are in private ownership.

Is that not the same thing?

Er... of course not!

How so? Listen to what he said: "My personal view - and I think I would be speaking for the Government - is that into the future we need to be wary about selling off infrastructure... you can write all the legislation you like but there are practical issues on the ground in relation to getting physical access to the infrastructure.

What is your point?

It is the same thing isn't it? Come on. Admit it. The Government now thinks selling Telecom Éireann was a mistake. The State's telecom's infrastructure is now owned by a US venture capital house that prioritises cash generation over providing Ireland with a telecommunications system to underpin our economic development. And we are now starting to see the consequences. Stop being so melodramatic. So the Government made a mistake.

Get over it. You would think you lost money because of this or something.

I took part in the Government sponsored privatisation of Telecom Éireann and live in an isolated rural area. Not only did I get stuffed in the flotation, it now looks like I will soon lose my phone.

Ah...

Well?

Oh dear. We seem to have run out of space.

jmcmanus@irish-times.ie