RTÉ wants to know if I want to contribute to its "guiding set of principles". Actually, it's inviting everybody to do this. A few weeks ago it published a questionnaire on its "public service statement", asking anyone who fancies it to provide pointers to what it should do over the next five years - other than continue repeating Reeling in the Years, obviously. That's locked down by statute.
Hasn't Gay Byrne discovered the meaning of life already? How to solve a problem like Brendan O'Connor, the man found guilty of not being Ray D'Arcy? And can anyone explain the rules of The Million Euro Challenge? You can? Congratulations, you're now on the shortlist to be the next director-general.
The consultation period is due to close this weekend. So if you have any opinions on these or other RTÉ-related matters that you have kept to yourself, or have already bored everybody in your family or on Twitter with more times than they are prepared to tolerate, then go to rté.ie/about, where RTÉ claims it "looks forward to receiving your views".
The first question in the dangerously “open-ended” version of the survey goes like this: “How might you define RTÉ’s role in Irish life today?”
Oh dear. That depends on how you define “Irish life”, doesn’t it? Helpfully, almost every Irish media outlet has an obsession with identifying the things that are apparently unique symptoms of Irishness and “Irish life”, from the particular way we like having sex to our choice of afternoon snacks.
But given nobody on their deathbed is ever going to say “I’m nearing the end of my Irish life”, or “I wish I had spent more of my Irish life thinking about what it meant to be Irish”, then I propose that RTÉ’s role in Irish life should be to refrain from making any programmes that convey the idea of Irishness as some kind of bemusing psychological wonder.
Next question. “In your opinion, what defining principles should guide RTÉ’s activities?” I see it’s already dispensed with the principle of “trying to please everybody all of the time”. Me too. By law, nobody should be allowed answer this until they have worked out what defining principles guide their own activities.
That could take some time, so let’s move right along: “In your opinion, what are the most important activities RTÉ should undertake as Ireland’s largest Public Service Broadcaster?”
I've always been a fan of RTÉ's ability to unite the nation in collective distaste for its choice of mid-week movies. Gangster Squad! It takes hard work to find the one Emma Stone film that stinks. Equally, we might all come together to agree that the winner of the long-haul holiday with €20,000 spending money on The Late Late Show did not deserve it half as much as us, even though we didn't actually watch the show, just remembered to enter the competition online as usual.
More seriously, RTÉ has a big role to play in the promotion of mental health - its one-minute films on mindfulness, scheduled in the peak-time weekday slot of 6pm on RTÉ One, are an excellent example of public service television at its finest and most spaced out.
This organisation is a cornerstone of our democracy. Or is it the establishment? The vaguely democratic establishment. How many more governments would fall if ministers didn’t have Montrose “bias” to blame for every public relations disaster?
On the subject of politics, it is critical that RTÉ holds the line and never makes the mistake of bringing back Questions & Answers. If it does, the TDs and Senators on the Oireachtas Communications committee will be forced to find a new cause to champion alongside their other valuable feedback: Oireachtas Report is on too late, RTÉ radio doesn't play enough country music, there should be more news from Sligo...
But never mind what they think. RTÉ’s review of its five-year public service statement is about what you think. In a how-long-is-this-piece-of-string proposition, it asks its biggest addicts and the Montrose-intolerant alike how it might improve on the delivery of certain services and programming - including the intriguing genre dubbed “programming that respects human dignity”.
Please remember when answering that despite being in receipt of about €127 of your €160 licence fee, RTÉ only has so much money. Handing a P45 to the presenter that irritates you the most isn't going to pay for the Irish equivalent of Game of Thrones (which would pretty much resemble Game of Thrones anyway).
Any other questions? Well, it would also like to know if you feel there is any particular group that is underrepresented and requires more attention by RTÉ.
Hmm. It's not the Iona Institute, is it?
