Question
I have been treated quite badly by someone who seems to be a narcissist. No matter what I do or how I try to enhance the relationship, everything is always about them. They will meet up sometimes but always on their terms and when it suits them and their life priorities. They never make an effort to ‘put themselves out’ or to exhibit kindness in a genuine way. And they are very self-centred and self-important – maybe they always were, and I just didn’t see it until recently.
I was aware they had become distant from other friends in the past, but never knew exactly why. I had previously viewed them as a good friend but maybe I was wrong all along. Another aspect of this behaviour is they invalidate my feelings if I try to be vulnerable or if I express concerns about aspects of my life. They can be quite dismissive and make excuses for others, but behind their comments, I feel like they are putting me down and laughing behind my back.
I know they shared personal information about me to another friend but when asked by me if they had seen this person, they denied meeting them. I don’t think this person is loyal or would speak highly of me to others if I was not there, and this is really bugging me.
I am on the verge of walking away from the relationship or should I confront them? I feel if I do the latter there will be no successful outcome so maybe I should just preserve my peace and walk away.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
There are two possibilities here, one is that you have woken up to the fact that a long-standing friendship was never real and you were being tolerated, and the other is that you are feeling very vulnerable and are reading rejection into what might be ongoing normal behaviour. You said that you know that this friend has gossiped about you and that you also have knowledge of other people moving away from them but then you also imply that you have been friends with this person for a long time and only recently have come to question their motives and behaviours.
Perhaps your desire not to get into conflict played a part in your unquestioning approach to the friendship and it is only when the evidence becomes overwhelming that you are now faced with a choice: to fight for the friendship or to walk away. There is no doubt that the short-term easy answer is to walk away, but this might affect your confidence in that you will not have been heard regarding how your friend has treated you.
You have chosen to invest time with someone you suspect of disloyalty so, in fairness to both of you, do you need to have this aired and does your friend deserve the right of reply? It will take courage to speak out but the response you get may put some of your suspicions to rest – you may find that your friend has a different perspective or has issues going on that you don’t know about. Whatever their response is it will allow you to make a more informed decision about what to do next. We are not in charge of other people’s reactions, so if you bring this up with your friend in a reasonable and open manner, you are not responsible for their subsequent actions, ie if they bad-mouth you or try to turn others against you, it is completely on them and your challenge did not force or create this.
By having the courage to address this issue, you are increasing your sense of self-worth and will be much better placed to make an informed decision. Once this is done, you can then turn to some self investigation (if appropriate) to see if your judgment needs some refining.
Are there issues which have affected or blocked your judgment in the case of this friendship?
Blocks can include past experiences of rejection (so we accept anyone as friends), fears, family patterns, overt self-criticism or lack of self-worth. This might be a moment that offers you an opportunity to explore these things and by doing so help you to live a life that is much freer and kinder to yourself. There are many ways of learning how to let go these blocks and among them are cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) programmes, psychotherapy and counselling. One tried and tested method, which is easy to access, is Aware’s online life skills course which is free and can be done in your own time.
By confronting the difficult situation you are in, you might find that building courage and growing self-awareness can lead to a more confident and robust you.
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