Question
I’m in a real slump and I feel guilty about it. I’m in my late 40s and my children don’t really need me any more. I have a husband who travels a lot for work, both nationally and internationally, and his mind is always somewhere else.
When we got married I was working as a supervisor in a firm, but as his job grew to be very demanding, I gave up work to be at home to do all the stuff with the kids. I was happy and, as he earned more, I was able to engage in some hobbies and for a while I was satisfied.
Now I feel I’m left alone and all the other mums have gone back to work and have careers and I’ve nothing to say at events or parties. I know I should just pull myself together, but I really feel worthless and can’t see myself doing anything worthwhile. When I go for dinner with my husband now, we have almost nothing to talk about. Our sex life has dwindled to almost nothing. I don’t like how I look, but have no energy to go to a gym, and the idea of other people looking at me is too upsetting anyway.
I had one little spark of something recently when an old friend from school got in contact while he was home from abroad – we used to flirt decades ago and there was still a whisper of that left. It should have made me happy, but actually it made me sad.
Answer
It is surprisingly easy to flounder when we are between projects or when we struggle with meaning in our lives. This can happen to anyone in any position, but yours is particularly poignant as you sound very isolated and without a support system.
The fact that you felt a spark of attraction recently is hopeful, in that you are not numb but your symptoms (sadness, worthlessness, isolation) suggest that you need to seek some help, and quickly. There are many things that would help in your situation but the impetus or motivation to initiate them might simply be too hard for you to muster at the moment. I wonder if you could begin by talking to someone you trust, such as a close friend or relative and ask for their help in sourcing professional support (psychotherapy/counselling) or they might accompany you to your GP who might also provide a referral for you.
As you feel validated and understood, you will be able to consider what the next steps are for you in life and how you want to live. Ideally you would find solace in your husband, but this relationship is in need of repair, and avoidance will not improve it. Many couples go through a difficult phase, particularly when the children move on and so this is not a personal failure but one where a pattern has run out and is in need of reinvention.
[ ‘I had always wanted to be a stay-at-home mum ... but I’m exhausted’Opens in new window ]
If he is away, you might consider writing to him to tell him how you feel (much like this letter) and ask for time when he comes home to focus on you and how he might help you. The act of writing is intimate in that you make yourself vulnerable, and this should elicit some openness from him too. You have a lot to talk about. If you can, use this opportunity to be as honest as you can with him, including the lack of sex in your lives, and highlight the subsequent sense of not feeling desired. He may share your feeling of disconnection and want to do something about it, and the act of communicating is already healing.
We know that when our attention is not drawn to work, hobbies or people, we can turn that attention inwards and it results in negativity, self-criticism and despair. It is hugely important that you engage with the external world so that you can get some relief from this critical thinking. One of the easiest (and least self-conscious) ways of doing this is to volunteer, and this can be with any organisation that you have some affinity for. If you were sporty when you were young, you might look at local clubs for opportunities, or if you were into caring for others, you might look to charities and so on.
[ The lives of mothers: ‘I stopped thinking about myself. I’m paying a heavy price’Opens in new window ]
What interested you in your teens is always a good place to start when considering what might be a good fit. As your confidence grows, you should be better able to open up to what life can offer, and this might be further education, work or enjoyment of a pastime. You speak about flirting: this is a sign of life and it needs nurturing. Attractiveness is all about feeling good about yourself and your body (the one you have as opposed to the future one), so be good to yourself, wear things that feel and look lovely, spend time doing things that nurture your spirit (art, nature, cinema and so on) and spend time with people you enjoy.
This should be a slow and steady effort towards a life worth living, and you are worth it.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
